Meth, He Tried It Once
by 1 Hungry Wolf
Summary: COMPLETE - I'm Ichigo Kurosaki, not to be confused with the Kawasaki Motorcycles. Believe it or not, most people actually do. Confuse the names, I mean. I don't look anything at all like a motorcycle, but that would be awesome. . . ( A strange story I wrote on a powerful sugar high, or maybe I was tired. Who knows.) A parody of Bleach: episode 1.


**Hi! This is my first Bleach fanfiction! Hope it makes you laugh! **

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I'm Ichigo Kurosaki., not to be confused with the Kawasaki Motorcycles. Believe it or not, most people actually do. Confuse the names, I mean. I don't look anything at all like a motorcycle, but that would be awesome. "_Hey, aren't you Ichigo Kawasaki? The coolest kid in Karakura Town AND the world?"_ Nah, I'm just the bad boy, Ichigo. Total badass on the outside but a lovable guy on the inside. Fifteen years old and in high- -

WHAM!

My Dad kicks me in the jaw and sends me rolling on the floor. How he can stay so flexible after quitting ballet twenty years ago is beyond me. Dad does a perfect Pirouette and bows. Mommy Yuzu, my little sister ( I think she's tenish) claps. Karin, my little brother turned sister ( don't ask), rolls his eyes. Inside I'm weeping. Isn't anyone going to ask if I'm alright? The least Karin could do is call social services and report our father for the constant abuse I have to go through every time I walk through the front door! Damn, I should've become a girl like Karin when I had the chance! Maybe then Dad wouldn't feel threatened by me.

"Y-you stupid bastard," I snarl, doing my best not to run to my room and cry. I get up and kick Dad around, well, I try to. He keeps dodging my punches and kicks by doing his stupid ballet twirls and shit." Care to explain why you attacked your son?"

"You were talking to yourself again," Dad sings, delivering a karate chop to the back of my head.

I roll my eyes. That's the dumbest explanation I've ever heard. When will he ever tell the truth?

"Ichigo. On your left." Karin says, bored with the head lock I've had Dad in for five minutes. He's either passed out from the lack of air, or he's too stubborn to pat my head, call me a good son, and give up like a normal Dad. I glance over my left shoulder. There, floating and glowing a dim green is a ghost. The ghost of Dad's recently deceased patient! Inside I scream, but outside I cough. Even in front of my sisters I can't let down my bad boy facade. I always have to be cool.

I let go of Dad, and he falls to the floor unconscious.

"I don't see anything there." I lie. Actually, I'm not sure. When I was thirteen I was stupid enough to try Meth. Spelled M-E-T-H, not to be confused with Math. I only did it once, but after the high wore off, two years had passed and I was fifteen. My gorgeous cherub face had turned into this scary scowl I now have, which sometimes scares myself whenever I look at a mirror. I don't remember having orange hair when I was thirteen, but my family insists that I was born with it. The hallucinations haven't completely worn off, since I see what normal people can't- - dead people! Sometimes I still feel bugs crawling over my skin at night, but I'm sure that Meth side effect will go away, along with the ghosts, in time.

It's strange that Karin can see the same ghosts too. Could he have gotten into my stash without me knowing? I'll be dead meat if Dad ever finds out! Coughing nervously, I pick up my book bag and begin to head upstairs to my room, but Mommy Yuzu stops me.

"Dinner will be ready in an hour." She says, and I bend down to give her a kiss on the cheek. I actually enjoy showing my sister how much I appreciate her, it's the only time I can really be myself. Plus, if I don't do what Mommy Yuzu says, she'll kick me in the shin or ground me. If I really mess up, she wont tuck me in or read me a bedtime story at night.

"Permanent denial." I hear Karin mutter, still talking about ghosts, I think.

After dinner, I lie in bed thinking about an even stranger hallucination I experienced earlier in the day. It was the trippiest thing I've ever experienced! There was this loud explosion in town, brought on by this gigantic monster no one else but the ghost girl and I could see. Everyone ran like their life depended on it. People were tripping other people just to get away from the explosion, acting like a zombie was chasing after them. Sometimes I think everyone is pulling a really bad prank on me. I thought for sure they could see the monster too, but I guess not.

The ghost girl I was encouraging to run. . . she fell. I wasn't going to go back for her, why should I die for a hallucination? Then, my foot suddenly cramped up and I had no choice but to stop.

"Go on without me!" The ghost girl screamed.

"I can't!" I shouted back, gritting my teeth from the pain in my foot. Her eyes lit up, mistaking my actions for something only a kind-hearted, selfless fool would do. Whatever. We were saved, but not by me. This cool girl dressed in a short, black robe sliced the monster in half with her sword! Obviously, she was another side affect from the meth, but I wanted her autograph anyway! She disappeared within seconds, and I never got my autograph.

I sit up, noticing something move by my desk. It isn't a snake, or one of the many spiders I normally see, it's a butterfly! I love butterflies, especially black butterflies! Those are so rare! For a second, I smile, then quickly put up a scowl when the girl from earlier steps through the wall. From this angle, I can see up her short kimono and the strange rabbit sticker near her left butt cheek. This girl must really like rabbits.

"It's you!" I gasp, pointing at her. Mommy Yuzu always says it's not polite to point, but I'm a bad boy. Bad boys point.

The girl doesn't acknowledge me, and continues to stare at my wall. Is she really real? Shrugging, I decided to find out and kick her in the back of the head. She falls to the ground, rubbing the bump I inflicted, which sticks out like we're in an animation series or something.

"Who the heck are you?" I demand.

Her eyes widen. They're either a dark blue or a purple, it's hard to tell." What! I can't believe you kicked me!"

Maybe kicking her wasn't the nicest thing I could've done. I don't like feeling bad for who I'm posing to be, so I throw accusations at her." You're a sucky burglar! For starters, you shouldn't be talking to yourself." It's not like I should talk since people think I talk to myself everyday, but this girl doesn't know that. She doesn't even notice that my accusations don't make sense. She does the weirdest thing no other hallucination has done before- - she pats my face, chest, and gives a quick pat to my crotch!

"Strange. You feel normal, but you must be defected. Nobody is supposed to see me."

"Who are you?" I ask, standing my ground. She doesn't admit she's some type of pervert like I expected. Only sick perverts like her would pat some guy's crotch, unless she's a ghost from the red light district of Karakura Town?

"I'm a Soul Reaper," The girl says, beginning a long story about monsters called Hollows, spiritual power, blah, blah, blah. Whatever. The ghost Karin had pointed out to me earlier floats up through the floor. The so called 'Soul Reaper' doesn't notice and continues to ramble. The ghost grins. Some drool drips from his mouth as he looks up the Soul Reaper's short kimono. I wonder if Karin can see the bottom half of the ghost's body from downstairs?Ugh. My delusions just keep getting weirder and weirder.

"Alright. You're telling me you're a Soul Reaper." I reiterate from my chair. Okay. I can wrap my mind around that. No big deal. The girl nods." You were sent here on a mission from somewhere called the Soul Society to deal with demons like the one we saw in the street today. . ." The girl nods again, completely serious." Which was chasing after that ghost girl's soul." The girl nods, confirming I understand completely what's going on. Gee. Once I say it out loud, the story does sound far fetched. Unbelievable, even for an ex meth addict. " Yeah, that's all believable to me. Along with flying pigs and the Toothfairy!" I roar, flipping my little table and scaring the perverted ghost away.

"How dare you- -" The Soul Reaper retorts, but I cut her off.

"What other bizarre story do you expect me to believe next, hm?" I throw my hands in the air." Next you're probably going to tell me you work for the Easter Bunny, and that Jack Frost, Santa Claus, and the Sandman need me to help defeat the Boogeyman or something!"

I catch my breath and remind myself that I'm the bad boy who's actually a nice guy underneath. I'm being too mean to the poor girl. She'll probably never give me an autograph now, or let me touch her sword!" Why don't you go play your Soul Reaper games somewhere else," I suggest in my nicest ( sarcastic) voice, patting the girl's head." Okay, Brat?" For the record, I was right to call her a brat.

"Bakuro number one!" The Soul Reaper moves her left index and middle finger to the far right, as if forcing me to do an eye exam. You know the ones, where the optometrist makes you follow the moving fingers. My eyes follow her fingers, but both my arms are pulled behind my back by some invisible force, and I'm forced to kneel on the ground in front of the Soul Reaper. "What did you do to me?"

"A paralysis technique. Any Soul Reaper can do it," She snorts, grinning sadistically." I may look young to you, but I've lived nearly ten of your lifespans!"

I stop struggling to break free to ponder this. Ten of my lifespans. Ten times fifteen is. . . my eyes widen." You're one hundred fifteen years old!"

"No you idiot. Just forget about it! You'll just end up frying your brain." She pulls out her sword."And now. . ."

Oh shit she's going to kill me! I never should've guessed her age! My manly instincts were telling me not to do it, since women are sensitive about that kind of thing, and now I'm going to die since I obviously guessed wrong. Even in my final moments, I don't give into my inner, wimpy, self. Instead of crying like a little bitch, I shut my eyes and wait for her to decapitate my head.

She brings the butt of her sword down, at the floor space between her legs, where the ghost from earlier has reappeared. There's a bright light, then the ghost disappears.

"What did you do to him?"

She smirks." I've sent him to the Soul Society. I believe you humans call it 'passing on."

Damn she's cool! Just when I think she can't get any cooler than what she already is- - she does. She draws these cute rabbit things, representing good and bad spirits. It's super hard to control myself when I look at her drawings, they're THAT cute. They make me want to squeal like a girl and skip around the world hugging every rabbit and panda I see. There's no way I can tell her this, though. No way in hell.

"Questions?" She asks, ending her amazing presentation. If my hands weren't bound behind my back, and I wasn't practically kissing the floor, I would've given her a standing ovation.

"Yeah. . ." _Where did you learn to draw? Amazing_!". . . Why do your drawings suck so much?'

She draws a mustache on my face. Which is better than an autograph! I can't control myself, I scream! In the hall, someone else screams too.

"Yuzu!" I gasp, trying my best to get to my feet. Mommy Yuzu is in danger! I can feel it! I can hear it!" Let me go! Yuzu needs my help!"

The Soul Reaper runs to the door and opens it. Yuzu collapses at the doorway, muttering my name, then passes out. The Soul Reaper runs downstairs toward the source of this terror. It takes a lot of hidden power I didn't know I had to get up and hop downstairs after her. Well, I hop to the top of the stairs and fall the rest of the way. At the bottom, the Soul Reaper already has her sword drawn, and Karin is trapped in a giant monster's hand, which I recently learned is called a Hollow.

"You stupid moron! Don't even think about doing something reckless! Just stay here where it's safe and stay out of my way."

I bump into her, using more of my power to stand at my full height. " Shut up, bitch."

She stares in awe as my aura glows a bright white and I unbind my arms from behind my back. I smile. It feels good not having my hands practically glued to my butt, that's one yoga pose I don't plan on being forced to do for a while. Grabbing the nearest object I can find, a wrapped stack of 12 roll toilet paper, I charge at the giant hollow that's holding Karin captive. Yeah, this stack of toilet paper is totally going to kick that monster's ass. It wont even know what hit him!

Maybe screaming while I charge isn't a good idea, since the Hollow sees me coming and effortlessly swats me down the street. At least it lets Karin go, which is all I wanted anyway. The Soul Reaper stands protectively in front of me while I check on Karin.

"Don't worry, he didn't devour either of your sister's souls."

"Karin is my little brother," I mumble, but the Soul Reaper doesn't hear me.

"It only wants your soul. This is all your fault. None of this would've happened to your family if you're spiritual powers weren't so high."

I gently lay Karin down on the pavement. Since it's my fault, the only obvious solution would be to fight this Hollow man to man. One on one. No weapon on my part vs. it's enormous body and teeth. Yeah, that sounds like a fair fight.

"I'm going to punch your brains out!" I threaten, stepping away from the Soul Reaper to challenge the Hollow on my own. It roars its acceptance, and lunges down at me, prepared to eat me, I realise. It bites into the Soul Reaper's shoulder instead. At first I think it pulls away because a Soul Reaper must taste bad or something, then I notice the blood on her blade and understand that she managed to wound it a little.

"Idiot," She whispers, weakly dragging her body to a nearby telephone pole." Now I'm going to die because of you. There's no way I can fight in this condition. We're all going to die!"

"No! There must be something I can do!"

She smiles." There is one way. . ." She points her sword at me." You must become a Soul Reaper and take half of my powers! Hurry, run my Zanpakto through the center of your being!"

"What? You want me to stab myself?"

"It's the only way," She gasps, the sword slightly shaking.

Hell no. What if she's still angry at me for calling her a brat and guessing her age wrong? I don't want to die like this! Of course, I don't want to die being eaten by a scary monster with a freaky mask either.

"What's your name?" I ask, stalling for time.

"Rukia. Rukia Kuchiki." She smiles.

I smile back, certain she can't be evil enough to force me to kill myself." I'm Ichigo. Ichigo Kurosaki."

Taking a deep breath, I grab the blade and plunge it through my center. A bright blue light glows around us, when it disappears, so does the Soul Reaper's kimono. She covers her tiny breasts with her arm and brings her knees up close to her chest, keeping them together to keep me from seeing anything.

Heh, like I care. The short kimono I'm now wearing doesn't bother me. Actually, the cool night breeze feels good on my junk. I debate whether to just fight naked since the kimono doesn't cover the important parts, but I decide to keep it on since it must be the uniform of the Soul Reapers. Which I now am. Best part about it? I have a big sword! It's every boy's dream come true!

"I said take half of my powers not all of it you dick!" Rukia screeches.

I grin, and walk with confidence toward the monster. Rukia's mad now, but soon she'll be cheering, praising, and being apart of a love triangle with me. First, I just have to kill the monster with one sweep of my sword, then the real adventures can begin.

_- END -_


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